I am warped. You should know that by now.
Not so crazy
as you believed
still believe
in me I've found
some comfort
some sanity
some reassurance
I don't need you
to tear that apart
to possess
to dominate
to control
me, I'm fine
Physically
Mentally
Emotionally
without you.
Dreams drawn upon sand are washed away in waves.
my cremation
your salvation
no saving of self
from fact or fiction
the flawless foe
and the choirs of demons
sing Amazing Grace
suicide sung.
a bit by Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire,
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice
I think I know enough of hate,
To say that, for destruction, ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
I find it hard to tell you
What it is I want.
Not because I don't want to
But because I haven't a clue.
I know that I need you,
And that I love you dearly.
It's just other feelings
I can't explain too clearly.
I've let you in on my most frightening secrets.
It's only my dreams I have yet to share.
The dreams, I fear, shall tell you
That you should no longer care.
These are the dreary thoughts
That fill my reeling head
As you caress my cheek,
And each kiss leaves me with dread.
What have I left to lose?
Friends don't exist in my world.
My mind has been turned to shit
By countless worries and destroyed dreams.
Love is a fantasy,
Kept alive by romantics
Needing to believe,
And even family stability
Has been fucked in the ass by the non-father.
Are you listening to me?
Or do you only hear your own
Distraught voice crying to be heard?
Your own self pity blinds you
From seeing anything
That doesn't provide you with all that you need.
I want to help, that I do,
But until a time you want it
I might be done through.
It seems I've lost
My only friend.
The only one who mattered,
The only one I had to keep near.
Desperate attempt to keep him
Forever there forever with me
Has only pushed him away
Deep into his own shell
And I only wanted his help
To leave my own behind.
A mere misconception
That I should be able to keep
His heart, his mind, his soul
As pure as I have loved it.
Yet watch the corruption
and the destruction of it all.
As nighttime falls
the nightmares begin,
only I am not sleeping.
The dreams within sleep
are only dreams,
but I am not sleeping.
Awake and alive
and racked with fear.
No, I am not sleeping.
Thoughts whirl of shattered hopes,
tattered dreams, and nightmares of yesterdays.
Horrors to come, am I to fall on my face again?
Alone I feel, and terribly real.
How is it
that I am not sleeping?
In the course of a lifetime
Even though all seems fine,
Outer shell seems fully intact
Turns out that is not the fact.
The inner mind is fully tattered
Distressing over things that mattered.
Maybe not so important to you or me
Important enough for worry
To one it means alot.
No fair getting caught
Making a mistake that time or two
Because it did not really matter to you.
Yet it was enough to antagonize
Without a thought or care to realize
It breaks my heart every time.
Sick to my stomach.
Praying to sleep.
Too many thoughts on mind,
No conclusions to be drawn.
Missing someone I've never met,
And lacking something
I will never find.
Youth is fleeting
And sometimes stolen.
Grasping those days
When I can still pretend
To be who I was meant to be,
Before it was all taken away
And I was forced into someone I am not.
Who is it that lives in my mind?
The someone that I think,
Or no one that is noticed?
Anyone care?
Or just me?
Maybe, not even.